Reflections II - A continuation

That sure was a lot of detail yesterday. I thank the few people who came in and browsed my blog, and hopefully took a glimpse at what I wrote.

I'll continue where I left off, but today's will be slightly shorter... I think.


Implications of the problem
Figures, I don't really know how to start. I'll list a few of the more major implications that I felt throughout these years, though.

1) During a wedding dinner, I pretty much failed to eat anything [but I was trying to, by nibbling tiny bits at a time]. Imagine 10 people seated around the round table, staring at you and waiting for you to finish your food. That's how I felt.

Interesting thing, however, is that I regained a very small portion of my appetite as the dinner came to an end. It was like, the last 3 dishes I think, and I managed to actually start eating more.

Of course that doesn't help much, considering how the whole thing worked out... In the end, I went home feeling pretty hungry ._.



2) It was the Orientation Camp during my J1. This one was... pretty memorable I must say. I must have left pretty deep impressions on many of my OG (orientation group) mates.

Firstly, I couldn't manage to eat throughout the whole camp [which was...3 days 2 nights], leaving me with a gastric on the 2nd to the 3rd day. I did, however, manage to eat up a bowl of dessert on the 2nd day. How useful is that? Very, at the least to me, considering it was pretty sweet so I managed to get some glucose back into my body.

Next, during the 2nd day's breakfast, I couldn't firstly, eat anything, and secondly, failed to finish up my milo. And I proceeded to do what I found to be most... intuitive in my viewpoint, but totally disgusting on my OG mates viewpoint--

--There was about half a cup left. I stacked that cup together with empty cups, leaving it with a situation whereby the empty cups were floating. "EWW, GROSS!" was the first thing I heard. Imagine how hurtful it sounds, but I do understand. Too bad they ain't in my plight. I don't blame them, though.

At the least, I survived through the whole camp without eating much, and subsequently devoured a whole lunch at home right after we broke camp. I am really hurting my stomach this way.


Consequences of the problem
There is at the least, one that I can see directly. But, this may or may not be purely because of this problem of mine.

1) The inability to eat out with my classmates [including at the school canteen], making me seem antisocial, subsequently making me more distant from my classmates.

But hey, as I mentioned, the problem may not be the sole reason why this occurs, but... I can feel it. It's way too obvious, how some people are displaying their attitude towards me. I'll elaborate further in a future post.

2) With this problem, it means I can't eat out, meaning I can't even go enjoy foods I love outside. I have to takeaway [if it's convenient], or not bother eating at all...

3) Considering how serious this problem is [how I'm looking at it], I have a good feeling that something is going to go real wrong, as time inches closer to the day that I have to enter NS... [details lower of this post]

4) Being unable to eat out means I can't enjoy going on overseas trips. I was offered lots of them from the school, but I had to turn them all down. What's up with that? I was so damn keen on going for it, but this problem... it just hinders what I really can do with my life.


Unexplainable phenomenon
So, I've said that I have to takeaway food from outside, bring it back home, before managing to eat up. Well, this applies to almost all cases, but it seems as if there has been several exceptions I can't explain.

1) During my birthdays, I seem to almost always, be able to eat. It's normally a steamboat, if you wanna know, meaning public utensils and all are used.

2) The above applies to some of my sister's birthdays as well.

3) I managed to eat at times when I visit other people's homes, but at others, especially recently, this seems to have disappeared.

How can I explain all these exceptions? I myself have no idea, and I believe you guys, reading through are equally as confused as me. If I ever told this to a psychologist, I wonder what's the reaction he/she will have?


Something going wrong as time inches closer to NS?
Ah yes, that. So now, hopefully, you guys remember me saying I'm currently in Year 2 of my JC (Junior College) studies. Well, I received an enlistment letter to sign up for NS (National Service), and I had to fill in a medical report.

Of course, one part of the medical report was some personal declarations, in which I stated this problem of mine. I then printed this out, had it signed by both my father and me [without him knowing that I typed out that problem] and took it for my medical appointment [which all enlistees have to do].

I related the problem to the Medical Officer there, and the first thing I got was...

"You know you will die in NS, right?"

Like, DUH? Am I that stupid to you? Of course, I didn't directly say it out. I just went, "uh, yeah." Then I saw my medical report stating for further reviews.

And then another letter comes along, asking me to return for my medical review. In it writes this:

"You are to bring your parent along...

Purpose of visit:
SAF Psychiatrist
MO (Medical Officer in short)"

Riiiiiiiiiiight, so I need to bring my father along for this. Why do I have a bad feeling about it? From the time I saw this letter, all the way till now, I still have this anchor pulling on my heart. I'm worried of one thing: the MO, or the psychiatrist, will tell my father about this problem, under the assumption that he already knew about it.

That would mean that I'm in total, deep, shit. >_>. This isn't a good time for me. I need to know how I should put it across to him, but I don't know how. I don't want to agitate him further, for he has health problems. I'm worried if I tell him, he will fall into a state of shock. I'm even more worried that if the MO/psychiatrist tells him, he's first going to fall into a shock, then begin screaming at me out of anger for not telling him.

It's a total dilemma I'm in now. What should I do? The next review...Thursday, 23 April. Will that be when the truth about me will surface and dawn upon him? Or will I be the one breaking the news to him? Or should I ask my sister to break this news..? I'm in a whirl of confusion now, I don't know what I should do. Either way seems wrong, either way seems to hurt him as much, if not more...

Going back to the topic, if I never declared this, and I entered NS, my fear would be just one thing - death. Death due to what? Due to not being able to eat. How stupid does that sound? >_>. That's why I decided to tell the MO about it. I don't mind harsh training, it builds me up. But, if I can't eat, it means that I can't even survive the first day or so. That's what I'm worried for. That's what I don't want to happen to me. I still have lots of things I want to do in life, and I don't want it to end just yet.

Depressing post, isn't it? It's how it's meant to be... what can I really do now? I think I do need some help here.

Maybe some comments would help, and I don't mind if you want to be anonymous or not. My question to you guys is:

How should I approach telling my father about this problem?

and

Any suggestions on what you think causes my problem to 'activate'? Any suggestions then, that I could use to possibly help me tackle this once and for all?

I would really appreciate any comment made, as long as... it's constructive of course. Me being in a mess right now is not a great thing to know about, but I really need to let this out of my chest.

Maybe, just maybe, this blog was set up for the sake of this. I always wanted to say it out, but I never knew where I should say it. Seems like I just found one method to.

Now, what's interesting is, I've told this problems to my classmates and even gamers whom I do not know so well. However, I've never approached my family members and told them about this. The irony...

I'm very grateful for the encouragement some of my classmates have been giving me recently over this. It's really heartwarming to know it, and I'm really grateful.

With that, I'll end off this blog post. It's 2:30am and I need to sleep. I'll see you guys... soon.

-signs off-