Reflections I - Of myself

Whoops! Seems like I didn't post yesterday. I'd have to apologize for that x) was a little sleepy and just collapsed.

At the same time, I don't really want my family members to know I'm blogging...


Huh? What's wrong with just blogging?
Good question here. I'm the one who wishes to hide this from them, because as time moves on, you will notice that more things about me begin to surface, and that these things are so deep, dark, that I don't think it'd be nice to let them know.

As time goes by, I'll post more about myself. In the meantime...


Reflections I?
Yeah, because this will become a series of my titles pretty soon. It's how I look at myself, how I am, well, me. It's also the part where I share with you readers and bloggers alike the me I really am.

Time to begin my official blog post. Considering that I forgot to post yesterday, today's will be extra long for people who would like to know more!


Introduction
Now, I'll just briefly introduce myself, even though I said you could just look at my profile. Of course, if you've seen my profile, great! You know who I am. For those who haven't, have a first glimpse at the person who started whackybeanz.blogspot.com. =)

I am:
Eng Teng Chuan

Living in:
Singapore

Studying at:
Jurong Junior College, Year 2

Class:
08S29

That's all for my introduction! It's how I wanted it to be, if not some people would start getting bored of "me-mes" - was it called that way?


Let's begin the reflections...
I do look like just any ordinary guy, who carries out ordinary routines in life. You're correct, but only half. I have repetitive routines [seriously repetitive], but... can I really consider myself 'ordinary'?

Why would I say that? Read on...

My definition of ordinary is to be able to do anything in the world. Anything at all. Including following your friends and going out to eat. Having a great royal meal at a wedding dinner. Sitting together with your classmates and enjoying the canteen food. That, is where a problem sets in.

I may look ordinary, but... it seems like I have a really weird case of being unable to eat outside of my house - for 6 years, and ongoing.

The thing is, I do not know the origins of this problem, I do not know how to counter it, neither do I know when it will occur. But what I can confirm is this - it has affected my social life: severely.


Interesting... tell me more.
From what I recall, this has happened since I was Primary 6. I do still recall that day, when I went out at night and I didn't have any dinner before that [so I was going out, for dinner]. The thing is, when I reached the kopitiam, when I was asked what I wanted to eat [by my family members, who went out with me], I flat out rejected any eating. Regardless of any persuasion, I still didn't want to eat food.

Thing is, on the journey home, I felt my hunger, which in the end meant buying some takeaway foods to eat at home.

It seems as if it was a one-off case, but as years passed, things began to turn for the worse.

At about Secondary 1 (? or maybe 2), I was out to eat again, with my family members. Once again, I didn't feel hungry - but my family members bought food anyway. So it seems as if it's a "forced" method to make me eat, so I accepted it. I tried to eat and within a few mouths...

...the feeling of nausea set in. I felt a deadlock on my throat, unable to eat anymore. Worse, I felt like vomiting what I just ate. I had to excuse myself and ran to the toilet and I did expel the food from my mouth. Weird? Gross? You decide.

This situation continued on and on for the next few times I went out to eat, until the point that I feared going out to eat, such that I now stay home and eat 1) home-cooked food or 2) takeaway food from outside.


Ever tried solving the problem by yourself?
Good question, and the answer is - yes. I'll elaborate further, and at the same time, drag the time line to something more recent - my JC life.

During my 2nd term in JC, I met up with my classmates from 08S29. Friendly, bubbly group of people they are =). Until this point, I've always avoided eating in the canteen as well - because I had the assumption I would just expel anything I consumed, which would have... really, disgusted my classmates if they saw my nauseatic look.

On one really weird day however, this whole situation changed. It was a break, and I suddenly thought "I should REALLY, eat something. This situation isn't going to get any better, but I should try."

And so I did. I mustered up courage, walked up to a stall and wanted to buy macaroni.

As fate has it, the stall owner told me "Uh, not enough macaroni, so I mix spaghetti inside ok?"

Why do I feel like I was being played around by fate? It's as if it was an intentional deterrence not to want me to eat [or so I felt that way]. But I went on anyway. At this point in time, I really felt stressed out [over eating in school >_>].

So I carried my plate, to my classmates who were already eating and--

--I actually began to eat! Even though it was a little slow, I still managed to finish up the whole plate! It made me totally esctatic, and optimistic that I managed to overcome this fear.

I related this to my friends sitting there, who were surprised to hear about this. Then my classmate gave this suggestion:

"Maybe you cannot accept eating using public utensils?" - I don't know, but this is the greatest possibility I've seen so far.

For the next few weeks, I managed to feel hunger just before a break came so that I would have the impulse to purchase food served on a plate and start digging in. It was a really happy period of my life for me.

And then came the holidays, along with a leaders camp with which the experience I would never forget.

It was a overnight event if I remember correctly, and I enjoyed a buffet dinner with all my friends. The next morning's meal was fried rice + milo, and the now confident me went forward and took a plate of the rice + a cup and sat with my friends.

Taking less than 5 mouthfuls, a feeling of fear overcame me again.

Yup, my throat entered a deadlock. Worse, I had to remove some food that I was chewing because I felt like I would just expel the food I ate down anytime. I had difficulties finishing with the food and the milo. Ultimately, I finished neither of them.

Term 3 began, and I thought that the camp incident was just a one off case. I bought a plate of food again, and--

--less than 1/2 a bowl into my food, I stopped dead in my tracks. Yup, seems like "it" [my weird illness] returned yet again.

Subsequently, I stopped eating in the canteen again. Why do I feel like I just turned in a circle?

Now that I'm in year 2 of my studies, it's still there. I know it. Everytime I walk past a kopitiam, the deadlock feeling in my throat surfaces. So, I'd have to takeaway my food [which is really a huge portion], return home [in which along the return journey, I feel my appetite returning], and gobble up all of my food.

I have shared this problem with my classmates, and they do seem to understand. At the least, I have been encouraged to eat something during the breaks and all, which is what I'm doing now - eating, not on a plate, but using those styrofoam boxes.


Tell me more about this! You've gotten me really interested...
Sure, I'll continue telling you this...

Tomorrow.

I foresee this being the longest post I would have in my blog, ever. Thus, I'll split this up into 2 sections such that it won't kill people with my Wall of Text [WoT]. Heck, this is a WoT already. So much information!

Jie, if you see this [or maybe you haven't known that I have a blog, even though I placed the link in my personal message], could you like... help me inform pa about this? I have a feeling my directly telling him would give him a severe shock, and I don't think I can put my words very accurately in this situation. Take it as a request, a favour from me that I don't think I can ever repay. I really hope he doesn't get too shocked out of this...


?! You never informed your family members about this?!
That's correct, because I don't want to concern them. But realizing how serious this problem is looming over me, I think it's time I took action. I cannot afford to cause misery to my family, at too late a time.

I'll continue tomorrow, with more situation updates, and you'll see a more in depth look into who I really am.

Thank you very much for reading this post. I really appreciate it your efforts, even if you feel that I'm a 'freak' after this. It's how I want to inform people around me about it, and it's how I feel is the most subtle way of putting it across to my family.

-signs off-